Both my kids are sleeping and as I'm running around the house doing laundry, picking up toys, washing bottles and folding tiny clothes and mating tiny socks, I'm praying. I'm praying for the Lord to make me committable, some days I feel like I'm just going through the motions, I want to be a person that is able to commit to more than just being a good mom. I want to be a good partner, I would like to be a good wife, I want to be the person that someone can truly commit to, and I want to be able to commit to them.
I guess commitment has always scared me because I'm an all or nothing person, if I commit to something I follow through even if I don't want to, even when it's hard, even when I'm so miserable I can't possibly take it another second longer, and I've been hurt so many times that getting me to commit to anything is nearly impossible because I know once I do there's no backing out, it's the way I'm built, it's the way I'm made, and it's both a blessing and a curse to commit so hard that you refuse to commit to anything.
But this isn't who I want to be, I know I'm designed for more than this mundane routine, and these superficial relationships with everyone around me all because I've become so hardened. When people ask I just say I'm jaded and affection isn't really my thing, but the truth is I love hard and I want to be loved just as hard.
So I'm praying for the Lord to make me committable, to help me to commit and to make me into someone that can be committed to. I'm praying to be a better partner, and I'm praying for the Lord to reveal the same things to his heart, and I'm praying the Lord grabs a hold of him and doesn't let him go, and that we can serve God together rather than apart.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Tonight I was writing in my prayer journal and I was thanking God and listing off all of his blessings on me, I made it a point to thank him through all the hurtful things that has happened in my life and one thing that I wrote keeps sticking out in my head, maybe it's because it's something that has really been bothering me lately or maybe it's because he wants me to truly realize how much he loves me, his daughter, but anyways one of the things I thanked him for was for being a good father when my earthly mother and father forsaked me. So many times I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself, aching and longing for those earthly parental relationships that I forget that I have the perfect father in heaven who has never forsaken me, even though at times I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. So tonight if you are feeling alone, been wronged by your earthly parents, left, hurt, forsaken, just remember you have a perfect parent in heaven and he loves you, and he has never, nor will ever hurt you. Let him love you, it can be hard sometimes, I know but I am slowly getting there.