Both my kids are sleeping and as I'm running around the house doing laundry, picking up toys, washing bottles and folding tiny clothes and mating tiny socks, I'm praying. I'm praying for the Lord to make me committable, some days I feel like I'm just going through the motions, I want to be a person that is able to commit to more than just being a good mom. I want to be a good partner, I would like to be a good wife, I want to be the person that someone can truly commit to, and I want to be able to commit to them.
I guess commitment has always scared me because I'm an all or nothing person, if I commit to something I follow through even if I don't want to, even when it's hard, even when I'm so miserable I can't possibly take it another second longer, and I've been hurt so many times that getting me to commit to anything is nearly impossible because I know once I do there's no backing out, it's the way I'm built, it's the way I'm made, and it's both a blessing and a curse to commit so hard that you refuse to commit to anything.
But this isn't who I want to be, I know I'm designed for more than this mundane routine, and these superficial relationships with everyone around me all because I've become so hardened. When people ask I just say I'm jaded and affection isn't really my thing, but the truth is I love hard and I want to be loved just as hard.
So I'm praying for the Lord to make me committable, to help me to commit and to make me into someone that can be committed to. I'm praying to be a better partner, and I'm praying for the Lord to reveal the same things to his heart, and I'm praying the Lord grabs a hold of him and doesn't let him go, and that we can serve God together rather than apart.
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